school situation again. last week i was drowning in work/midterms. i couldn't do it all.
i'm scared. scared i won't make it. scared i won't be able to come back and continue as a student next quarter. how did it ever come to this?
i missed my midterm, didn't do my project, and nearly missed my last one. i really thought that this was it.
God is so, so gracious. wow. it's when we're knocked down to the point where we can't really do anything that we can more clearly see god working in our lives.
you know, i don't even deserve to be in davis right now. this summer was supposed to determine whether i could stay in school--two B-s, no lower than a C. and then in the first summer session, i got a C-. i thought i blew it. i was already worried before i learned of my grade since i had turned in my last few projects late. i called the counselor, and he told me that i was at fault, and there was little that could be done should i fail to meet the requirements. when i received my final grade, i went to talk to the counselor again. he said "get a B-, and we'll talk. but if not, the answer's no." this was around the middle of session two.
inevitably, all my projects were late. heh. but the teacher liked my work. i don't like turning in things incomplete because i can do better. this does not showcase my potential. so i don't turn in anything at all--i'd rather turn in polished work really late than turn in something half-done on time.
well, my final project was super late. i had to fly down to san diego shortly after the session ended, and i still hadn't completed my project. during my trip, i received an email from my professor saying i needed to turn in my project by noon that day because other students were anxious about their grades. at that moment, i was helping my godsister move into her dorm at UCSD. i emailed him back, explaining my situation, and pleaded for a few more hours so i could head back to the hotel and try to finish as much as i could. as i worked furiously, a response came: turn it in by tomorrow afternoon. i asked for a couple of hours, and he gave me a whole day! which was great, since i would not have finished in a couple hours.
i turned it in, and waited on my final grade. when the beginning of school neared, results came out: B-. B-! exactly what i needed! no more, no less. and so i got a second chance.
and now it seems like i'm blowing it again. i missed my midterm, didn't do my project, and nearly missed my last one.
i really thought that this was it.
i talked to the lecturer, kaino, about my late projects. she told me just to have them in before the end of the quarter, to take off some of the pressure. wow. what relief.
i overslept for my 7:30 am midterm. dr. webb was kind enough to give me almost the entire exam time to take the midterm. i was expecting to have only the remaining time from when i arrived at class.
as for the missed midterm... well, not as good news. more like lack of news--i still don't know what will happen with that one. but it happens to be the class i'm doing best in, so it was the class best prepared to take a hit.
and this, all this, just blows my mind. it's a display of God's sovereignty and grace. i don't deserve any of this. but it is truly wonderful to see His strength magnified through this trial of mine. He increases as i decrease.
it's still a scary thought to think of what will happen if i don't make it. it's scary because it is so close to becoming a reality. i mess up over and over.
it's just amazing to see how there was nothing i can do to make the situation better, but God did it for me.
He's showing me that He is trustworthy. He is forgiving. He is merciful. He is powerful. oh, how He loves!
i will undoubtedly fall into the same trap of trying to rely on my own efforts at some point in time. but: "if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you." He is gentle in correcting us.
a guy once said that studying God's word is not merely trying to find things applicable to us and how we should live; it is also learning and knowing more about God and His character, and in doing so deepening that relationship we have with Him. "indeed, i count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord."
Phil 3:7-16. that's what we went over in Bible study today. it is a very fitting passage right now, methinks.
